Welcome to part 5 of A-Z of Dating right. In part 4 i defined what dating is in a sane clime. Dating is not what most or some young minds, millennials and Gen Z, have turned into. I mean, it is not an opportunity to explore and engage in sexual morals and immoralities. Rather, it is an avenue to get acquainted with your proposed spouse, explore compatibility within a period of time and conclude whether to proceed to courtship.
In this edition we will be looking at the ‘Js, Ks & Ls’ to infuse in your relationship and the ‘Js’ to take out of your relationship.
In case you missed the first edition of the topic, here is a quick read
WORTHY OF NOTE
1) The joy you have in a relationship is the joy you bring into it. Do not go into a relationship to find joy.
2) In a relationship that is not marriage you are both singles coming together and through processes become one.
3) Being judgmental speaks more to the person judging than the person being judged.
4) Knowledge is intimacy. Knowing someone deeply is beyond sex. Intimacy is tied to knowledge.
5) Kindness is a basic thing in a relationship. Kindness should be a virtue the person possesses naturally. Be with a genuinely kind person, not someone pretending to be kind.
6) Learn to listen to yourselves. Learn to listen to verbal and non-verbal codes.
7) Loyalty is identifying with your spouse in difficult times. Marriage is a place where loyalty is tested. If you are not ready to be loyal then do not get married. The butterfly moment is not the marriage, it is the difficult moment.
J TO INFUSE
Joy – the joy you have in a relationship is the joy you bring into it. Do not go into a relationship to find joy. Joy is an important part of a relationship. Joy comes from within, joy is spiritual. Comparing external factors with what you have in your relationship will only make you miserable and it will automatically rub off on your partner as well. The benefit of joy in a relationship is that it strengthens you both and the relationship. Note: do not go into a relationship with someone that does not have joy.
Jointly (Togetherness) – you must be able to join properly. In a relationship that is not marriage you are both singles coming together and through processes become one. Therefore, if the joining is not working, it is a red flag.
J TO REMOVE
Jealousy – it is ok to be jealous but there is a level of jealousy that can become toxic. Jealousy means you care about your partner but it becomes toxic when it makes you mistrust your partner. When your partner starts acting irrationally, that’s jealousy. Do not tolerate any form of abuse, verbal or physical. Being jealous to the point of becoming toxic is not good.
The Fruit of Jealousy – Possessiveness: your partner not giving you breathing space. No one should be too possessive of you. Generally, men do not like to be possessed.
Judgmental – being judgmental is a silent killer of a relationship. You do not give grace. You are always too quick to pass opinion. Don’t wait to hear the full story before passing judgement. You constantly use your partner’s opinion to make him or her miserable. Using the terrible things he or she did in the past that were revealed to you out of vulnerability as a weapon against him or her. You never see anything good in him or her. Your idiosyncrasy made it impossible for you to see good in him or her even when he or she tries to be better. Being judgmental speaks more to the person judging than the person being judged. Learn to give grace. Do not be
quick to judge. Learn to encourage your partner rather than judge. If your partner uses your weakness against you in a relationship, it is a red flag exit while you can before getting married to him or her.
Note: whatever past your partner has or weaknesses that you are aware of before marriage, once you are married you lose the right to use it against your partner.
K TO INFUSE IN RELATIONSHIP
Kindness – kindness is basic. Don’t be in a relationship with someone that is not kind. Check how he or she talks to you and the people around you. Don’t be in a relationship with someone because the person is kind. Kindness should be a virtue the person possesses naturally. Be with genuinely kind people. If you are kind to yourself you will be kind to others.
Knowledge – how well you know the person. Knowledge is intimacy. Knowing someone deeply is beyond sex. Intimacy is tied to knowledge. If all you do is smash and touch but do not know each other then you can not understand each other. Understanding is a level of knowing. The more you know someone, the more intimacy you have with the person.
Killing – do not do anything that will kill your joy or your partner’s joy. Don’t kill each other.
L TO HAVE IN A RELATIONSHIP
Listen – you need to develop a habit of listening to your partner. Do more listening than talking. Learn to listen to understand. Learn to listen to yourselves. Learn to listen to verbal and non-verbal codes.
Loyalty – royalty doesn’t joke with loyalty. Loyalty is when everybody is against your partner but you still stand by him or her. Loyalty is identifying with your spouse in difficult times. Marriage is a place where loyalty is tested. If you are not ready to be loyal then do not get married. The butterfly moment is not the marriage, it is the difficult moment. Lack of loyalty is what birthed the idea of a prenup.
Laugh – be funny. Do things that will make you both laugh together. Be friendly, spontaneous and flexible. Don’t be too serious all the time. Do things that will make the relationship interesting. Do not be too sensitive. Watch funny movies together.
I am dating a guy that does not like speaking with me for a long time, is that a red flag?
Pastor Praise ANS:
The Knowledge and Listening method should be applied. You may want to check how to ask your question or how to begin the conversation. You need to apply wisdom so that your conversation can flow and not appear as though you are probing the person. Maybe the person is the type that talks more with friends for the sake of socializing than talking to family.
Pastor Michael ANS:
Maybe the guy is not intellectually stimulated by you and that is a red flag. You need to find a way to enjoy each other’s company. If the relationship is sexual, sometimes it is just a sexual relationship but not able to connect on other levels. It could be that the person is just passing time with you. How long have you been in the relationship? What’s the goal of it? Are you in this relationship to get married? These are the questions to ask to get clarity. You may need counselling or it could be nothing. you may be reading meaning to nothing maybe he is just a cool guy who just wants to be cool with your friends. Getting answers to the above-mentioned questions would help give the right answers.
My husband is the type that refuses to speak to me about his day. He also did not speak to me about his plans and I have tried to ask him but he said he would change but did not.
Evang. Ebube ANS:
Maybe he is just someone who does not like to speak about his plans. But it is quite strange because men who are comfortable in their relationships see their wives as confidants. Especially a Godly relationship or marriage. However, this is why it is important to seek to know your spouse before marriage. You could have discovered it or he has once opened up to you before and you judged him or offered no support. If it is a trust issue you need to get that trust back. Also, take it to God in prayer to touch his heart. When next he opens up to you encourage him, and support him and with time things could get better.
Pastor Michael ANS:
If you really want a solution you should consider counselling. When some men are going through a mid-life crisis they tend to shut-out people around them. With Counselling he will open up. You should be willing to compromise. Be ready to give something to get something. Marriage is a place of compromise.
Pastor Praise ANS
Timing is a very important aspect. Are you expecting him to download it as soon as he gets in? That can be irritating. So know when to ask him to share. Some people like getting things sorted out in their minds before sharing them with others. So at what point do you want him to share? So timing is an important factor. If you can calculate the right time and apply it, you would be amazed at the information you can get from him. Ask God for wisdom on how and when is the right time.